Tuesday, March 8, 2011

faithful.

one humbling truth i’ve learned (over and over… and over) is that when i am not faithful, the Lord is. over the past several months i’ve had so much bitterness and anger. why flower mound? why did i leave my job at the stewpot? why did i move further away from my friends? i just felt confused. and a little bit lost. never confused about jesse, though. he was a gift - and of that i was sure. 
through the steps program at church, hard conversations with friends, and some good ole’ conviction of the Holy Spirit, the Lord has opened my eyes even more to the nasty state of my heart. i am never content. though i know it’s not true, i think my plan is always better. i just refuse to acknowledge everything good that is surrounding me. 
up until a few weeks ago i was riding a roller coaster of “okay”. one week i would be fine living in flower mound. the next week i would throw a fit wanting to be in dallas again. for several months i have been on this ride. i was able to have dinner with a few friends from college over valentine’s day weekend. we kept talking about my “situation” - like it was something horrible. and on the drive home, it finally hit me. i’m an idiot. i am doubting God’s sovereignty. and i’m making everything about me. of course this town isn’t my first choice, but it’s home. arkadelphia wasn’t my first choice, but by the time i graduated from obu, it became the sweetest place in the world to me. so basically, God knows what i need. when i need it. and apparently flower mound is it. maybe just for now. maybe until we get really old, have 8 million grandbabies and die. either way, the Lord knows. 
i have a full time job! the flower shop gig was technically full-time, but jesse and i both knew that it was only temporary. last week my friend, jean, called from the stewpot and said there was a position open. my heart has been so sad that i ever left, even though at the time i really felt like i was making the right step. anyway, after talking, praying, seeking council, i accepted the position of administrative coordinator for the stewpot. i start march 14th. it’s still in dallas, but i’ll be able to work early and get off early. i am so eager to be back. jesse and i have talked and feel so great about the flexibility this job will afford us. no more getting home at 7pm. and we can start planning (in the distant future) for some babies. 
yesterday i had a diagnostic test run on my back. i was put under some anesthesia, and the dr. injected something (i dont remember what) into my back around where the screws are. if the pain and inflammation go away, i can have another surgery to remove them. praise the Lord. every time i go to the back dr. i am so amazed that they know how to do what they know how to do. 

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